The habit of getting married: who among Russians is in favor of marriage
Most Russians consider it necessary to get married, especially at the birth of a child. At the same time, the quality of the relationship comes to the fore, and not the principle of "patience — love". The involvement of both parents in the upbringing and care of their children takes the family model to a new level. But not everyone is ready to put a stamp in their passport. Why children from single—parent families do not rush to the registry office and what stereotypes interfere with personal happiness - in the material of Izvestia.
How are we better than the Americans
VTsIOM analysts note that attitudes towards marriage are changing in Russia and other countries — people start families later, get divorced more easily, and more often choose a life without a stamp in their passport. However, when it comes to serious feelings, the majority of compatriots (65%) consider it necessary to formalize the relationship. There are 59% of such people among Americans. One in three Russians and four out of ten residents of the United States hold the opposite opinion.
"A registered marriage becomes even more important for both countries when it comes to having a child together.: 81% in Russia and 63% in the USA. And unconditional assessments receive the most weight ("very important")," the VTsIOM study says. The proportion of Americans who hold the opposite opinion is twice as high as that of Russians (36% versus 17%).
People whose parents were officially married are mostly in favor of forming a relationship. And those who grew up in a different paradigm relate to the stamp in the passport much more easily. Going to the registry office is more often advocated by women who perceive the status of married women as additional legal, property and financial protection. An interesting detail: among the Russians surveyed who have children, there are significantly more of those who were raised by both parents, and among the childless — those who grew up in a single-parent family with their mother.
— The personal experience of the family forms a person's model of relationships and ideas about their norm, — psychologist Yuri Kudryavtsev explained to Izvestia. — And if the child has not seen an example of a registered marriage between parents, then the value of official registration may be lower for him.
But in this case, according to the expert, the situation within the family is more important. Children are not interested in whether their parents are officially married. It is important for them to be loved and to have a harmonious relationship between their parents.
At the same time, the bureaucratic moment contributes to the registration of marriage — the legal registration of children becomes noticeably easier, he pointed out. As well as solving all the issues related to them.
— As long as people just live together, you can break up quickly, without legal delays. Or just leave with any difficulties in the relationship. The birth of a child is a new stage. A child makes a relationship more serious and obvious. In fact, children are the material result of these relationships," Alina Koroleva, Candidate of Psychological Sciences, added to her colleague.
An official marriage is, first of all, a legally assumed responsibility, the Izvestia interlocutor believes. The value of a legitimate unit of society at the birth of a child is particularly pronounced.
— Women fully understand that in the absence of a formal relationship, a man can easily disappear into space and not participate in their lives in any way. Marriage registration (when it comes to a woman) is a man's recognition of his responsibility and legal leverage to get help, the psychologist is convinced.
Who grows up in single-parent families
VTsIOM experts note that, contrary to stereotypes, young people, like representatives of older generations, advocate the need for marriage. Meanwhile, it is among young Russians that the proportion of those who grew up in a single-parent family or with parents who ignored the registry office is high. Among younger millennials and those who were born in the digital age, one in five was born unmarried. But people who grew up in single—parent families, as well as the children of alcoholics, have an alternative - to follow the parental path or choose the opposite, Yuri Kudryavtsev recalled.
— Family experience, of course, influences attitudes about relationships and starting a family. But someone repeats this experience, while others act on the contrary and build relationships different from those of their parents," Alina Koroleva pointed out.
There are cases when outsiders, such as neighbors, become an authoritative figure for a future behavior model, Kudryavtsev added. And then a person, when building his personal life, is guided not only by the experience of his family, but also by observations of other cells of society, because people tend to strive for a successful scenario.
— Incomplete families are considered inferior, imperfect and even flawed in society — this is the stereotype. And people who grew up with one parent subconsciously or consciously try to fix the situation. They want to move away from the single-parent family model and become "full-fledged" members of society. The appearance of a child definitively cements this unofficial status," the psychologist explained.
He is confident that it is quite possible for people who grew up without one parent to adjust their views on family and marriage. It is also possible to create a social unit if a person gets an inharmonious model of the family scenario or adult behavior.
— People themselves can choose the path of creative development and create a happy family. But someone prefers to "go with the flow" and, being subjected to automatism, continues the "old" parental family scenario: frequent divorces, failures in their personal lives, and the repetition of negative scenes, the expert noted.
In his opinion, it helps to realize the true reasons for the preservation of the "old family scenario", the model of behavior and the possibility of choosing options. But sometimes a person does not even realize that it is possible to implement not a parental, but his own scenario, where he will have a happy relationship.
— To choose a new relationship model, it is good to study childhood traumas — this gives you the opportunity to become freer in choosing forms of interaction in your family and become happy, — Kudryavtsev emphasized.
Marriage stability
Modern young people first want to live for themselves, and sometimes they are simply "not ready" for an adult and responsible life or are influenced by hostile propaganda (childfree), Yuri Kudryavtsev drew attention.
— Previously, society seemed to be more mature and responsible, but now it has become infantile due to a comfortable lifestyle and egocentrism in children, — said the psychologist. — In the last century, people got married at the age of 20 and considered marriage the norm and necessity, in fact, the first step of adulthood.
However, Alina Koroleva noted that even though representatives of the older generations were brought up most often in complete families, however, the quality of relationships in them sometimes left much to be desired.
— In adulthood, people did not experience the old tenderness, mutual respect, tolerated each other or constantly clashed. Therefore, modern young people, taught by the bitter experience of previous generations, are more focused on the quality of relationships, — the candidate of psychological Sciences is convinced.
The stability of the family union and its quality are different characteristics, the Izvestia interlocutor emphasized. People sometimes live in a marriage for a long time just because it is not customary to get divorced or have nowhere to go, and someone is tied to a partner by financial dependence. It's stability, but it doesn't feel like happiness. Therefore, according to Koroleva, at a certain point the social context swung towards the absence of marriage — it happened because of a lack of understanding of how to create high-quality and stable relationships. Life without a partner, chosen as a counterbalance, creates the illusion of independence.
— Emotional independence is the basis of a high—quality relationship, when the boundaries of the personality of both partners are preserved, there is no immersion in each other. In such relationships, partners do not lose themselves and can communicate productively for a long time, the psychologist is convinced.
However, over time, views on family and marriage have changed for the better. In particular, due to the availability of information about high-quality relationships combined with factors that are likely to ensure the stability of the relationship, the editorial interlocutor added.
She mentioned the common values, life goals and guidelines of the partners as an important aspect. If a man and a woman "speak the same language" and understand each other perfectly, feel different situations the same way, look in the same direction and move together, then the family will be stable and cohesive.
— Since the quality of relationships comes first, it is important to talk about this with people — education on this topic is able to restore the value of family and official marriage, — said the expert. — When I ask people after a divorce if they want to create a new relationship, the key factor influencing the answer is precisely the quality of the possible relationship. People don't want to repeat an unhappy scenario, but they want to be in a happy relationship.
The phrase "if you need to explain, then you don't need to explain" is just about the mismatch of values and different views on life, when conversations do not add understanding, the editorial interlocutor noted.
— It is also necessary to take into account the factor of freedom, when people have an inner need for procreation, an awareness of the higher value of family relations comes, which spurs a person to action, — Kudryavtsev added.— At the same time, families, like any product of social life, can be reformed and developed, but within reasonable limits. For example, modern grandparents are no longer so eager to sit with their grandchildren — they have their own active life, the envy of the young.
The psychologist recommended dividing the responsibilities of caring for the child equally between mom and dad, if there is such an opportunity and desire. And the Queen pointed out that the trend towards a more even distribution of parental and household responsibilities between partners is already gaining momentum.
— Modern grandparents are really socially active, they continue to work. Therefore, their participation in the direct care of grandchildren has become less. However, it is impossible to talk about the complete exclusion of the older generation from the kids. Our grandparents love their grandchildren and want to communicate with them, participate in their lives as much as possible," added the candidate of Psychological Sciences.
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